tomorrow is the day. fill day. i'm going in for my first fill in like 7 months. it's not my FIRST fill, obviously, but my first one in SEVEN FREAKING MONTHS!!!! YEAH..... can you say "totally fell of the bandwagon"? yeah...that would be me.
i'm both happy and nervous at the same time. i'm happy that i'm getting back on track and going in for my fill like i should have done a long ass time ago. i'm nervous because i'm going to have to get used to eating differently again. i've gotten so used to eating semi normally that it's gonna be a big adjustment for me. but i know i can do it again since i did it before. i'm also a little upset because i feel so far behind everyone else.
i mean, i know i'm not supposed to compare myself to others with the losses and stuff but sometimes it's something that just can't be helped. you just do it without thinking. and well, there are some that were banded with me or around the same time i was or even AFTER me that are at their goals or a helluva lot closer to them than i am and well, that just makes me feel like a loser. and not in a good way. not the kind of loser i wanna be.
but at the same time, i tell myself that i need to be happy for where i am. i could be other places. like where i was before my band. 240 something pounds and going up. i could be dead from surgery complications (yes, it's rare but it's real and i have a friend who almost did die!). i could have been stuck in the hospital in icu and on feeding tubes for six months with serious complications like my friend was. but i'm none of those things. i'm just a little behind - ok, a lot behind - on my weight loss. i will get there. right?
on another note... i ordered me a hula hoop. yep. like we had as kids only made adult sized and specifically made for hula hooping for fitness. i can't wait til it comes in and i can start hula hooping my ass off. literally. but i'd rather lose my stomach than my ass. lol i did some reading up online about it and studies show that hula hooping can give you the same workout as doing kickboxing or step aerobics and i think hula hooping is a helluva lot more fun! plus my daughter and i can do it together because she's a hulanista! lol
she's my little motivator and parnter. the other day i was telling my husband about the hula hoop i ordered and he was like, "yeah, that's gonna be just like the zumba set you ordered and never use." so i told him i need someone to do it with. so my baby girl walks up and says, "you know who you can do it with, mama?" i asked who and she said, "you're looking at her!". she's so awesome!!!! i hope we're this good of "friends" when she's fifteen and pissed off at me for something. lol
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
wouldn't you know it?
so this afternoon i got a phone call from my doctor's office. they had to reschedule my fill. i have to wait another entire week before i can get it!!! and here i was totally ready and looking forward to it and there they go having to reschedule it. something about the nurse practitioner going out of town or something. i understand the circumstances but i'm so ready for this fill. i hate the idea of waiting another week.
i told my husband and do you know what he said? "well, at least you get to eat for another week". i was like dammit i don't want to eat!!! i want my fill!!!! wahhhhh!!!!!
i told my husband and do you know what he said? "well, at least you get to eat for another week". i was like dammit i don't want to eat!!! i want my fill!!!! wahhhhh!!!!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
it's a new year...
well, it's a whole new year. i feel like i haven't been here in forever and i guess that's really the truth. it's been a rough year. lots going on and most of it not of the good variety of things. i'm sure hoping this new year will bring new and better things for me and my whole family.
on tuesday i am going in for a fill. a long, long overdue fill. i haven't had one since may 24 and it was only .25 of a cc.
i'm so ready to get back on track. and i'm for real this time. i'm starting to be more active and will keep it going and up it as i go. i been walking every evening and am about to start adding in more workout routines throughout the week. i have sciatica so i gotta keep an eye on that but otherwise here i go!
i feel kinda bad becuase i'm almost two years out and haven't even reached my goal at all. but i guess better late than never, right?
on tuesday i am going in for a fill. a long, long overdue fill. i haven't had one since may 24 and it was only .25 of a cc.
i'm so ready to get back on track. and i'm for real this time. i'm starting to be more active and will keep it going and up it as i go. i been walking every evening and am about to start adding in more workout routines throughout the week. i have sciatica so i gotta keep an eye on that but otherwise here i go!
i feel kinda bad becuase i'm almost two years out and haven't even reached my goal at all. but i guess better late than never, right?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
you just never know...
so i have this friend.... you know... the kind you've known for what seems like forever? yeah well, we've known each other about 9 years or so i guess. long time. so not too long ago i found out that she had gastric surgery - the sleeve to be exact. she had it back in may (the beginning i think) and she didn't want anyone to know. she was keeping on the dl completely. and things were all good with it... until they weren't.
she got to where she couldn't keep any liquids down and kept having to go back into the hospital for dehydration. that was like the whole month of may i guess. then she finds out that somehow they bruised her liver while they were in there or something and caused some kind of hematoma that was causing mad issues and pain everytime she moved.
then they told her they thought it was her gallbladder and that she needed to have that taken out. that was about a month after the sleeve procedure i guess. that's when i found out - the day she had the gallbladder surgery. i went up there and visited her and stuff after it was over and she seemed to be doing pretty good. in a lot of pain (who wouldn't be after two surgeries in about a month???) but doing ok.
she went home about two days after that and was still having issues keeping her meds and liquids down. i guess she was home for about a week or so and boom! back to the hospital again with more excruiating pain and dehydration and etc.
that time they said apparently she had a perforation in the stitches that created the sleeve. oh no, right? so they put a drain in there to keep the bad stomach stuff from leaking out into her body (they said that would have been deadly if left going on for too long) and put in a pic line to feed her (aka feeding tube) because she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything at all. they said they hoped the hole would heal on it's own and did a wait and see kinda thing. well... it wasn't happening.
so they came up with this plan to go in and put a closed stint over the hole to keep the stomach fluids from reaching it or leaking out into her body and allow the skin (and the hole) to heal. so they went in there to do that on friday morning. and it wasn't laproscopic either. it was a total open procedure!
well, when they got in there apparently they saw that the stint idea wasn't gonna work so they said they took some fatty tissue from her intestines and used it to "patch" the whole. then the doc said he "had to make a judgement call" and decide how many drains to put in to relieve pressure and etc. he went with one.
out of surgery he put her in the icu so that she could more attentive and personal nurse care since she would need it. things looked good they said.... but then saturday (midday) her heart rate and blood pressure started getting really elevated (way too high they said) and she started having major issues breathing and talking. we were all freaking out and so were her doctors. they took her to have some scans done and had to plan an emergency surgery that night to "go in and see what the problem is" since they couldn't figure it out from the outside.
while we waited for the or to get prepped and etc. she whispered to us how scared she was and we all cried so hard. no one thought she was gonna make it through this surgery. this was her fourth one in two months time.
they went in and found that the patch had somehow come undone or something and so they repatched it. they also found that she had another perforation. they weren't able to tell us whether that one was there before and they missed it or if it was a new one. but they said they fixed one, too. then they put in three drains. and she made it through.
they put her back in the icu and left her on the ventilator. they said that she was on so many pain meds that if she didn't have the vent she would stop breathing on her own. they also had her totally sedated so she could rest and let her body heal.
the next day after the surgery she was doing pretty good. her heart rate and pressure were way down and she seemed to be going uphill. then today apparently she's taken another turn downhill. her heart rate and pressure are back up again and they don't know why. today the doctor talked about putting her completely under anesthesia (would that be considered like a medicinally induced coma or something?) to keep her resting cuz she keeps semi waking up and trying to talk and cough and stuff but she's still intubated so she can't.
he said she's got a "long road ahead of her" and will probably be in the icu for weeks or rather he can't tell us more than that. honestly he seems like kind of an ass to me from the way he's acted and comments he's made.
another thing that doesn't sit well with me is that her doc is the one that i would never ever go to. he's the one that my gastric doc has to correct the mistakes of. i once suggested her getting a second opinion but she was too stressed to consider it and i don't think my doc is affiliated with the hospital she's in.
i don't know what to do. i feel so helpless and scared. i just want to rank all the tubes out (she's got like six plus going into her) and make her better. i wanna see the smiling, happy, bubbly girl she once was. not this sick and barely alive patient in the icu.
and in the midst of all that i'm angry. angry at society and the world today. angry that so much pressure is put on us all to be "skinny" or whatever. i mean, sure we do gastric surgery for health reasons, too, but c'mon ya'll. you can't even look at a damned lane bryant ad without thinking "there's no way she's plus sized!".
my friend is so beautiful! imagine j-lo only with some curvage going on. that's our nickname for her, too. and pair that with her awesome personality and outgoingness and etc.... well, none of us are ready to see that - or her - leave anytime soon!
my husband is like "that could have been you. that could have been your surgery that went bad." and you know... he's right. it could have just as easily been me who had these issues and me fighting for my life in the icu two months after my procedure. it makes me feel grateful (dispite my weight loss pitfalls and slim regains here and there) that i'm here and well. reminds me that no matter if i never get smaller than the 193 i am now, i should be happy with that because it could be a lot worse.
i want my friend to get better but i'm scared that she might not.
she got to where she couldn't keep any liquids down and kept having to go back into the hospital for dehydration. that was like the whole month of may i guess. then she finds out that somehow they bruised her liver while they were in there or something and caused some kind of hematoma that was causing mad issues and pain everytime she moved.
then they told her they thought it was her gallbladder and that she needed to have that taken out. that was about a month after the sleeve procedure i guess. that's when i found out - the day she had the gallbladder surgery. i went up there and visited her and stuff after it was over and she seemed to be doing pretty good. in a lot of pain (who wouldn't be after two surgeries in about a month???) but doing ok.
she went home about two days after that and was still having issues keeping her meds and liquids down. i guess she was home for about a week or so and boom! back to the hospital again with more excruiating pain and dehydration and etc.
that time they said apparently she had a perforation in the stitches that created the sleeve. oh no, right? so they put a drain in there to keep the bad stomach stuff from leaking out into her body (they said that would have been deadly if left going on for too long) and put in a pic line to feed her (aka feeding tube) because she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything at all. they said they hoped the hole would heal on it's own and did a wait and see kinda thing. well... it wasn't happening.
so they came up with this plan to go in and put a closed stint over the hole to keep the stomach fluids from reaching it or leaking out into her body and allow the skin (and the hole) to heal. so they went in there to do that on friday morning. and it wasn't laproscopic either. it was a total open procedure!
well, when they got in there apparently they saw that the stint idea wasn't gonna work so they said they took some fatty tissue from her intestines and used it to "patch" the whole. then the doc said he "had to make a judgement call" and decide how many drains to put in to relieve pressure and etc. he went with one.
out of surgery he put her in the icu so that she could more attentive and personal nurse care since she would need it. things looked good they said.... but then saturday (midday) her heart rate and blood pressure started getting really elevated (way too high they said) and she started having major issues breathing and talking. we were all freaking out and so were her doctors. they took her to have some scans done and had to plan an emergency surgery that night to "go in and see what the problem is" since they couldn't figure it out from the outside.
while we waited for the or to get prepped and etc. she whispered to us how scared she was and we all cried so hard. no one thought she was gonna make it through this surgery. this was her fourth one in two months time.
they went in and found that the patch had somehow come undone or something and so they repatched it. they also found that she had another perforation. they weren't able to tell us whether that one was there before and they missed it or if it was a new one. but they said they fixed one, too. then they put in three drains. and she made it through.
they put her back in the icu and left her on the ventilator. they said that she was on so many pain meds that if she didn't have the vent she would stop breathing on her own. they also had her totally sedated so she could rest and let her body heal.
the next day after the surgery she was doing pretty good. her heart rate and pressure were way down and she seemed to be going uphill. then today apparently she's taken another turn downhill. her heart rate and pressure are back up again and they don't know why. today the doctor talked about putting her completely under anesthesia (would that be considered like a medicinally induced coma or something?) to keep her resting cuz she keeps semi waking up and trying to talk and cough and stuff but she's still intubated so she can't.
he said she's got a "long road ahead of her" and will probably be in the icu for weeks or rather he can't tell us more than that. honestly he seems like kind of an ass to me from the way he's acted and comments he's made.
another thing that doesn't sit well with me is that her doc is the one that i would never ever go to. he's the one that my gastric doc has to correct the mistakes of. i once suggested her getting a second opinion but she was too stressed to consider it and i don't think my doc is affiliated with the hospital she's in.
i don't know what to do. i feel so helpless and scared. i just want to rank all the tubes out (she's got like six plus going into her) and make her better. i wanna see the smiling, happy, bubbly girl she once was. not this sick and barely alive patient in the icu.
and in the midst of all that i'm angry. angry at society and the world today. angry that so much pressure is put on us all to be "skinny" or whatever. i mean, sure we do gastric surgery for health reasons, too, but c'mon ya'll. you can't even look at a damned lane bryant ad without thinking "there's no way she's plus sized!".
my friend is so beautiful! imagine j-lo only with some curvage going on. that's our nickname for her, too. and pair that with her awesome personality and outgoingness and etc.... well, none of us are ready to see that - or her - leave anytime soon!
my husband is like "that could have been you. that could have been your surgery that went bad." and you know... he's right. it could have just as easily been me who had these issues and me fighting for my life in the icu two months after my procedure. it makes me feel grateful (dispite my weight loss pitfalls and slim regains here and there) that i'm here and well. reminds me that no matter if i never get smaller than the 193 i am now, i should be happy with that because it could be a lot worse.
i want my friend to get better but i'm scared that she might not.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
what? me again???
so i totally know i'm a "ghost poster". please don't kick my a$$ for it! and there's no way i'm gonna catch up on everything that is going on in all the lives of all the blogs that i used to read so regularly. so i'm just gonna be honest and admit i only read about the first few that came up in my updates. sorry ya'll.
i will say that stephanie looks great!!!! loving that new look. and that grace's posts about plastic surgery have me thinking on some for myself.
you see... i realize that i still have forty some odd pounds to go before i get to my goal (which isn't even where my doc wants me to be btw) but i have these thoughts, ya see? here they are....
i have this huge... well... roll... i guess you'd call it? it's right there on my stomach. it IS my stomach. it's just this bulging roll thing. it's not really attractive. i had it even when i was a size 8! i know that sounds insane but i really did. i can distinctly remember wearing size 8 old navy jeans and still having this big roll that none of my other same sized friends had. it's like my stomach is fine til you get to my belly button and them BOOM! big wave of fat roll coming at you! what's up with that????
i can even remember being like ten years old and wearing the stirrup pants that were all the rage then and i wasn't even a fat kid or anything but there it was. the roll poking outta the front of my turquoise stirrup pants. a roll that none of my friends had even then. i didn't get it then. don't get it now.
so i was thinking that if they could just cut that mutha off then i'd prolly lose like ten plus pounds right there. lol not to mention that then i'd have at least a semi decent stomach minus horrific roll wave. right? i mean, that part of my body is the part that i hate the most and if given the chance to change one thing about myself that would be it!
so my question is this... do you have to wait til you've lost it all to get some fat cut off or can you do it anytime in the process here? is that even a good question or a totallly stupid one?
i've had so much crap going on ya'll... and still do.... that i can't imagine being "out of commission" anytime soon or for any length of time. but jsut the idea of not having that damned roll anymore is so nice. why can't i have been blessed with a simple rounded belly like others??? lol
and if i haven't put enough question marks in here already... here are a few more for ya....
how do ya'll stay movtivated? i've lost my motivation ya'll. what do i do? how do i get back there? you know...that place wehre you actually want to work out and actually do it? that place where remembering your band and your weight loss and how far you've come actually keep you from getting the ice cream bar outta the fridge.
it's like i'm not even hungry but i'm eating anyway. working AGAINST my band!!!! why am i doing this????
i will say that stephanie looks great!!!! loving that new look. and that grace's posts about plastic surgery have me thinking on some for myself.
you see... i realize that i still have forty some odd pounds to go before i get to my goal (which isn't even where my doc wants me to be btw) but i have these thoughts, ya see? here they are....
i have this huge... well... roll... i guess you'd call it? it's right there on my stomach. it IS my stomach. it's just this bulging roll thing. it's not really attractive. i had it even when i was a size 8! i know that sounds insane but i really did. i can distinctly remember wearing size 8 old navy jeans and still having this big roll that none of my other same sized friends had. it's like my stomach is fine til you get to my belly button and them BOOM! big wave of fat roll coming at you! what's up with that????
i can even remember being like ten years old and wearing the stirrup pants that were all the rage then and i wasn't even a fat kid or anything but there it was. the roll poking outta the front of my turquoise stirrup pants. a roll that none of my friends had even then. i didn't get it then. don't get it now.
so i was thinking that if they could just cut that mutha off then i'd prolly lose like ten plus pounds right there. lol not to mention that then i'd have at least a semi decent stomach minus horrific roll wave. right? i mean, that part of my body is the part that i hate the most and if given the chance to change one thing about myself that would be it!
so my question is this... do you have to wait til you've lost it all to get some fat cut off or can you do it anytime in the process here? is that even a good question or a totallly stupid one?
i've had so much crap going on ya'll... and still do.... that i can't imagine being "out of commission" anytime soon or for any length of time. but jsut the idea of not having that damned roll anymore is so nice. why can't i have been blessed with a simple rounded belly like others??? lol
and if i haven't put enough question marks in here already... here are a few more for ya....
how do ya'll stay movtivated? i've lost my motivation ya'll. what do i do? how do i get back there? you know...that place wehre you actually want to work out and actually do it? that place where remembering your band and your weight loss and how far you've come actually keep you from getting the ice cream bar outta the fridge.
it's like i'm not even hungry but i'm eating anyway. working AGAINST my band!!!! why am i doing this????
boing!
that's the sound of me trying to bounce back from all the crazy curveballs that life has been throwing at me lately.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
i know i'm just sporadic but...
here i am... again. lol
here's what's been going on....
i've gained like 9 or 10 pounds depending on the day and haven't had a fill since january when i had to go back two days later and get the unfill. since then i've had too much drainage and mucus (yuck!) and ended up having to get some shots and etc from the family doc. finally getting better but now everyone else in the house is sick and i'm worried i'll get it again, too.
i've been really enjoying being able to eat. so much so that i gained that 9 or 10 pounds back. sigh!!!!
so i called the other day and am scheduled for a fill tomorrow. yes TOMORROW!!! i'm excited and ready for it on one hand but on the other i really really like being able to eat. but i know this is what i need to do to get back on track and dammit i'm doing it.
stephanie is a real inspriation cuz she was banded only a little less than a month before i was and she's lost 100 pounds! wow. i'm just like wtf? i've lost about 40 something. she's been working more than i have and i realize that. i know i get out of it what i put into it so to speak and i haven't been putting in the best.
so hopefully this fill - although frustrating cuz i won't be able to eat eat eat - will be exactly what i need. =)
here's what's been going on....
i've gained like 9 or 10 pounds depending on the day and haven't had a fill since january when i had to go back two days later and get the unfill. since then i've had too much drainage and mucus (yuck!) and ended up having to get some shots and etc from the family doc. finally getting better but now everyone else in the house is sick and i'm worried i'll get it again, too.
i've been really enjoying being able to eat. so much so that i gained that 9 or 10 pounds back. sigh!!!!
so i called the other day and am scheduled for a fill tomorrow. yes TOMORROW!!! i'm excited and ready for it on one hand but on the other i really really like being able to eat. but i know this is what i need to do to get back on track and dammit i'm doing it.
stephanie is a real inspriation cuz she was banded only a little less than a month before i was and she's lost 100 pounds! wow. i'm just like wtf? i've lost about 40 something. she's been working more than i have and i realize that. i know i get out of it what i put into it so to speak and i haven't been putting in the best.
so hopefully this fill - although frustrating cuz i won't be able to eat eat eat - will be exactly what i need. =)
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