you just never know...

so i have this friend.... you know... the kind you've known for what seems like forever? yeah well, we've known each other about 9 years or so i guess. long time. so not too long ago i found out that she had gastric surgery - the sleeve to be exact. she had it back in may (the beginning i think) and she didn't want anyone to know. she was keeping on the dl completely. and things were all good with it... until they weren't.

she got to where she couldn't keep any liquids down and kept having to go back into the hospital for dehydration. that was like the whole month of may i guess. then she finds out that somehow they bruised her liver while they were in there or something and caused some kind of hematoma that was causing mad issues and pain everytime she moved.

then they told her they thought it was her gallbladder and that she needed to have that taken out. that was about a month after the sleeve procedure i guess. that's when i found out - the day she had the gallbladder surgery. i went up there and visited her and stuff after it was over and she seemed to be doing pretty good. in a lot of pain (who wouldn't be after two surgeries in about a month???) but doing ok.

she went home about two days after that and was still having issues keeping her meds and liquids down. i guess she was home for about a week or so and boom! back to the hospital again with more excruiating pain and dehydration and etc.

that time they said apparently she had a perforation in the stitches that created the sleeve. oh no, right? so they put a drain in there to keep the bad stomach stuff from leaking out into her body (they said that would have been deadly if left going on for too long) and put in a pic line to feed her (aka feeding tube) because she wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything at all. they said they hoped the hole would heal on it's own and did a wait and see kinda thing. well... it wasn't happening.

so they came up with this plan to go in and put a closed stint over the hole to keep the stomach fluids from reaching it or leaking out into her body and allow the skin (and the hole) to heal. so they went in there to do that on friday morning. and it wasn't laproscopic either. it was a total open procedure!

well, when they got in there apparently they saw that the stint idea wasn't gonna work so they said they took some fatty tissue from her intestines and used it to "patch" the whole. then the doc said he "had to make a judgement call" and decide how many drains to put in to relieve pressure and etc. he went with one.

out of surgery he put her in the icu so that she could more attentive and personal nurse care since she would need it. things looked good they said.... but then saturday (midday) her heart rate and blood pressure started getting really elevated (way too high they said) and she started having major issues breathing and talking. we were all freaking out and so were her doctors. they took her to have some scans done and had to plan an emergency surgery that night to "go in and see what the problem is" since they couldn't figure it out from the outside.

while we waited for the or to get prepped and etc. she whispered to us how scared she was and we all cried so hard. no one thought she was gonna make it through this surgery. this was her fourth one in two months time.

they went in and found that the patch had somehow come undone or something and so they repatched it. they also found that she had another perforation. they weren't able to tell us whether that one was there before and they missed it or if it was a new one. but they said they fixed one, too. then they put in three drains. and she made it through.

they put her back in the icu and left her on the ventilator. they said that she was on so many pain meds that if she didn't have the vent she would stop breathing on her own. they also had her totally sedated so she could rest and let her body heal.

the next day after the surgery she was doing pretty good. her heart rate and pressure were way down and she seemed to be going uphill. then today apparently she's taken another turn downhill. her heart rate and pressure are back up again and they don't know why. today the doctor talked about putting her completely under anesthesia (would that be considered like a medicinally induced coma or something?) to keep her resting cuz she keeps semi waking up and trying to talk and cough and stuff but she's still intubated so she can't.

he said she's got a "long road ahead of her" and will probably be in the icu for weeks or rather he can't tell us more than that. honestly he seems like kind of an ass to me from the way he's acted and comments he's made.

another thing that doesn't sit well with me is that her doc is the one that i would never ever go to. he's the one that my gastric doc has to correct the mistakes of. i once suggested her getting a second opinion but she was too stressed to consider it and i don't think my doc is affiliated with the hospital she's in.

i don't know what to do. i feel so helpless and scared. i just want to rank all the tubes out (she's got like six plus going into her) and make her better. i wanna see the smiling, happy, bubbly girl she once was. not this sick and barely alive patient in the icu.

and in the midst of all that i'm angry. angry at society and the world today. angry that so much pressure is put on us all to be "skinny" or whatever. i mean, sure we do gastric surgery for health reasons, too, but c'mon ya'll. you can't even look at a damned lane bryant ad without thinking "there's no way she's plus sized!". 

my friend is so beautiful! imagine j-lo only with some curvage going on. that's our nickname for her, too. and pair that with her awesome personality and outgoingness and etc.... well, none of us are ready to see that - or her - leave anytime soon!

my husband is like "that could have been you. that could have been your surgery that went bad." and you know... he's right. it could have just as easily been me who had these issues and me fighting for my life in the icu two months after my procedure. it makes me feel grateful (dispite my weight loss pitfalls and slim regains here and there) that i'm here and well. reminds me that no matter if i never get smaller than the 193 i am now, i should be happy with that because it could be a lot worse.

i want my friend to get better but i'm scared that she might not.

what? me again???

so i totally know i'm a "ghost poster". please don't kick my a$$ for it! and there's no way i'm gonna catch up on everything that is going on in all the lives of all the blogs that i used to read so regularly. so i'm just gonna be honest and admit i only read about the first few that came up in my updates. sorry ya'll. 


i will say that stephanie looks great!!!! loving that new look. and that grace's posts about plastic surgery have me thinking on some for myself. 


you see... i realize that i still have forty some odd pounds to go before i get to my goal (which isn't even where my doc wants me to be btw) but i have these thoughts, ya see? here they are....


i have this huge... well... roll... i guess you'd call it? it's right there on my stomach. it IS my stomach. it's just this bulging roll thing. it's not really attractive. i had it even when i was a size 8! i know that sounds insane but i really did. i can distinctly remember wearing size 8 old navy jeans and still having this big roll that none of my other same sized friends had. it's like my stomach is fine til you get to my belly button and them BOOM! big wave of fat roll coming at you! what's up with that????

i can even remember being like ten years old and wearing the stirrup pants that were all the rage then and i wasn't even a fat kid or anything but there it was. the roll poking outta the front of my turquoise stirrup pants. a roll that none of my friends had even then. i didn't get it then. don't get it now.


so i was thinking that if they could just cut that mutha off then i'd prolly lose like ten plus pounds right there. lol not to mention that then i'd have at least a semi decent stomach minus horrific roll wave. right? i mean, that part of my body is the part that i hate the most and if given the chance to change one thing about myself that would be it!


so my question is this... do you have to wait til you've lost it all to get some fat cut off or can you do it anytime in the process here? is that even a good question or a totallly stupid one?


i've had so much crap going on ya'll... and still do.... that i can't imagine being "out of commission" anytime soon or for any length of time. but jsut the idea of not having that damned roll anymore is so nice. why can't i have been blessed with a simple rounded belly like others??? lol


and if i haven't put enough question marks in here already... here are a few more for ya....


how do ya'll stay movtivated? i've lost my motivation ya'll. what do i do? how do i get back there? you know...that place wehre you actually want to work out and actually do it? that place where remembering your band and your weight loss and how far you've come actually keep you from getting the ice cream bar outta the fridge. 


it's like i'm not even hungry but i'm eating anyway. working AGAINST my band!!!! why am i doing this????

boing!

that's the sound of me trying to bounce back from all the crazy curveballs that life has been throwing at me lately.

i know i'm just sporadic but...

here i am... again. lol

here's what's been going on.... 

i've gained like 9 or 10 pounds depending on the day and haven't had a fill since january when i had to go back two days later and get the unfill. since then i've had too much drainage and mucus (yuck!) and ended up having to get some shots and etc from the family doc. finally getting better but now everyone else in the house is sick and i'm worried i'll get it again, too.

i've been really enjoying being able to eat. so much so that i gained that 9 or 10 pounds back. sigh!!!!

so i called the other day and am scheduled for a fill tomorrow. yes TOMORROW!!! i'm excited and ready for it on one hand but on the other i really really like being able to eat. but i know this is what i need to do to get back on track and dammit i'm doing it.

stephanie is a real inspriation cuz she was banded only a little less than a month before i was and she's lost 100 pounds! wow. i'm just like wtf? i've lost about 40 something. she's been working more than i have and i realize that. i know i get out of it what i put into it so to speak and i haven't been putting in the best. 

so hopefully this fill - although frustrating cuz i won't be able to eat eat eat - will be exactly what i need. =)

hmmmm.....

so someone commented that i'm in "bandster hell". yeah... hell is about right. at least that's how it feels.

about a week ago today i was getting a fill and down to 182. now that i've been unfilled the scale has told me various things. the other days it said i was up to 186. yikes! now it's been steadily saying i'm 184 which was what i was before i went on liquids to get the fill that is now gone. sigh!!! 

it's so frustrating. i thought i was finally on the way to the 170's. i wanna be in the 170's!!!! but nope. here i am stuck in the 180's and i can't seem to get outta here.

now, i did pig out last night (losing that fill really left me the room, ya know?) but other than that, i've been doing ok for the most part.ok... bad choices here and there. or everywhere but not as bad as i've been in the past. that's gotta count for something, right?

i haven't worked out in days. a week to be exact. but i blame that on life. life because it's been throwing me a helluva curveball here lately. i won't go into details right now cuz it's really upsetting, but it's about my son and something a mother never wants for her child. sigh. it's hard to feel focused and to want to work out and do things for yourself when you're worried about your kid. and the whole situation puts a huge strain on my marriage (as if it wasn't already strained enough) and my husband was my workout partner but lately i just haven't felt like sharing anything with him. sigh. life... oh why can't you send us something positive and happy for once?

anyway... i ordered the zumba set thing with the dvd's and the sticks. it came in on friday i think it was and i've yet to put it in the dvd player. i did shake the sticks, though. lol i keep saying "tonight is the night for zumba" and then it turns out NOT to be. i feel like i might as well have put $70 in an envelope and just chucked it in the trash for all the use i'm getting out of my new zumba. i do WANT to use it though. i'm just having a hard time.

sorry to be such a debbie downer. i'm really happy for all ya'll who are doing great. really. =) and i'm not just saying that. lol

emptied out....

ok...so last i posted it was three days ago. i was dealing with a tight fill but able to get some mushies down. it's now three days later, i've been unfilled, and the scale says i've gained a pound? wtf??? here's the story:

thursday morning was ok. i was able to get liquids down although they kept wanting to come back up. i had something to drink about 2:45 that afternoon and then about 5:45 that evening, i started spitting up white foam. yes. foam. it literally looked like something that you would spray out of a can onto your bathroom wall to clean it. you know, that stuff that foams after you spray it? yeah...that was coming out of my body. i was like what the heck is going on??? i wasn't drinking anything so i didn't know where the foam was coming from. but it kept coming. every few minutes more foam.

finally i decided to call the answering service for my doc. i told them the deal and he called me back fast. i told him the deal and he said it sounded like i needed the fill taken out. i was like awww...no!!! he told me it also sounded like i had mucus plugging things up in there and to continue to take my zyrtec and mucinex and call his office in the am for the unfill appt.

so i took the liquid mucinex which was grosser than gross and guess what? it came back up. and when it came back it didn't look like it did going in. now it had been transformed into guess what??? PINK FOAM!!! so there i was in the parking lot of walmart hanging out of my car door puking up pink foam. lovely!

i went home and drank eensy weensy sips of hot tea and finally the foam subsided. thank god!

the next morning i was able to get water down ok but they still had me come in for the unfill. the nurse told me she's heard about the foam often and that other folks have talked about what they call "coffee grounds". i'm like oh gee... i don't wanna be puking up those!

they took out the 1/2 cc they had put in and said my band pushed it out due to pressure so another .1 of a cc came out, too. so now i'm at 5.4 cc's. back where i was before. i feel like it's a setback but they said that's why it's called an "adjustable band". shrug. still feels like a setback to me.

now...having my band too tight sucked. and the foam was ghastly. however, i lost three pounds in those 3 days and that was awesome. unfortunately, when i got on the scale this morning, it said i had gained a pound of it back. sigh!!!! but i told myself maybe that was like water weight or something since i do think i was kinda getting dehydrated a little since i was hardly peeing anything before the unfill. it makes me feel better to think of it that way.

now i can eat though and that's both bad and good. bad cuz i find myself wnating to do it more and more. good cuz i need to be able to get some sustenance. lol

i was on a good workout schedule and that's been down the sh*tter for the past few days since we've had a lot going on. but i'm getting back on that damned thing and hopefully when i go back to my doc in three weeks i can get my 1/2cc back! they said i need to get my mucus issues under control for that to be possible so i've been downing that nasty mucinex like crazy as well as taking my zyrtec. here's hoping for the best!

can someone mail me a quiche???

i'm serious. i want one of those quiches grace blogged about. lol

so...updates on today and my tight fill....

this morning i had some hot tea (suggested by my doc) and some guafinesin (spelled that wrong i know) to help with the mucus. midday i had a chocolate shake (great choice, right?) and that went ok. then this afternoon i had about four to five bites of scrambled eggs. that was all i could do. it was probably about 4oz though since the bites were bigger than they should have been. i chewed really well though. i was glad i was able to get the eggs down but at the same time i wanted to eat more. also at the same time, i was doing some major pbing on the way to pick up my kids.

i had some milk this evening and that went ok. and some real smushed up beans with a little cheese. that went ok, too. i can't eat much though. about four bites and i'm done. the feeling is similar to what it was right after i started eating mushies after the surgery. so i guess it's ok. 

i can't gulp water which sucks and i'm spazzed out i'm not drinking enough. well, i know i'm not. i'm just spazzing about it. lol

i'm eager to see if the scale has a new number for me in the morning. i can only hope! it's like christmas eve again!!!! 

guess i'm gonna go to bed now. early i know. 

oh yeah.... don't forget to  mail me a quiche!!! =P

a little updater

thanks for comments on my last  and confused post. last night i was able to finish that glass of milk i mentioned and i was also able to get down some ice cream. yes, i know, what a great food choice, right? well, i was liquids only and needed to have something with form to it. it went down better than i expected although there was some wierd feelings afterwards and a couple times i thought i was going to pb on it. 

this morning i took a sip of water and it went ok but i could feel instant tightness. i'm not even going to attempt to eat breakfast. no way jose! and my doc told me that yesterday, too. she was like if it's that tight when you wake up then just wait a couple hours before you try to eat anything. she also told me to drink something warm and to start taking mucinex in addition to zyrtec to try and dry up any mucus collections i might be getting in my pouch during the night. mucus collections! can you say gross???

good news though. i stepped on the scale this morning and i am 184. yesterday in the doc's office they said i was 186. my scale is three pounds heavier than the doc's office and i alway account for that but that 184 is after the accounting. so according to the scales i lost 2 pounds overnight. woohoo!!!! finally back to that 184 i saw for a bit as it ran away and disappeared for a while. hopefully it won't disappear again except maybe for me hitting 183 and - gasp! dare i say it???? - the 170's!!!!!

 i clearly remember a day back when i was in the 170's. it was about 7 years ago and i was wearing a size 14. i think i weighed like 174 or 175. a 14 i tell you! and i remember having this conversation with a friend of mine talking about how "fat" i was. that makes me want to gag now. wow. if only i knew then what i know now. oh how i welcome those 170's with open arms now! =P

too full or what?

so i went to the doc today and told them of my issues.... i can never eat breakfast cuz the band is too tight but it gets looser as the day progresses and then i can usually eat a decent dinner. and sometimes a lot more than i should be able to. the last time i was in there was three months ago when i got a baby fill (1/2 a cc) and i've only lost 5 pounds in that amount of time. the doc said that she didn't think i needed a fill since i sometimes had issues with some food and asked what i thought. i told her i didn't know and what did she think. she said we could go ahead and do a small 1/2 cc fill and see what happens. if it's too much i can always take it back ok. so i said ok and hopped on the table. it was the best fill i've had so far. not even a pinch when the needle went in! 

i asked her about the b12 stuff and she gave me a shot. i was hoping to feel some great effects from it but alas, i have felt nothing and even came home and took a two hour nap this evening! sigh!!! she told me to let her know what the b12 does and if i want some she can write me a script for it. woohoo!!!

so here's where i get confused. i was able to drink water in the doc's office just fine. as i continued to drink the rest of the afternoon and now this evening i'm noticing that these liquids aren't going down that well. they kinda sit in there for a bit and a couple times i've almost had them come back up. i just tried some milk and the jury is still out on whether or not it's really gone down or not. does this mean i'm too full? i have to be on liquids for the rest of this evening and then i can try mushies tomorrow. i'm nervous as hell about the mushies if milk is being this sluggish. 

what do ya'll think? i need some more experienced banders' advice!!!!

fill day!

well.... maybe.....

i was trying to read and catch up on everyone but i'm strapped for time so i had to stop and will try and come back later.

thanks for the nice comments that were left on my christmas 2009 vs. christmas 2010 photos. i pasted those two pics side by side on my fridge door as a reminder everytime i go there to get something to eat. lol

so today i'm supposed to go get a fill at 2pm. not sure how i feel about this. i have to be on liquids for 24hrs when i get fills and usually i have a few days to a week to mentally prepare for my liquid diet. yesterday the doc called and had to get me in today so i'm like eek!!!! i know i need the fill though as i've been able to eat like a cow lately. i will miss eating like this but know that it's what got me where i was and i don't ever wanna be there again so fill 'er up!!!! 

after reading amy's post about the b-12, i might just ask my doc about it today. i know he gives shots to some of his patients but they've never mentioned it with me. i have, however, felt really tired the past few months and don't quite get why. if he won't give it to me i'm going to find it at the vitamin store. i will have the b-12!!!! lol

ok...well, time to go get dressed. my day is filled - and i do mean filled - with appts today between myself and my two kids! wow. here we go....

just some stuff... and nsv and a couple pics!

ok.... so..... i have another nsv to report!!!

we've been trying to get more fit as a family. as i said before, my husband has been on sick leave for two months and just went back to work. my son is on meds that make him eat a lot and he's not as active as he should be (he's 11). and my daughter... well, she's active and skinny as all get out so she really doesn't need anything but anyway..... and of course  me.... i'm the banded one needed to lose these last thirty something pounds to reach my goal.

so night before last we decide to use the netflix to tv through the wii and do a family workout. we chose a cardio dancing workout. it had good music and lots of funky moves. my son got sent to his room shortly after we started it becuase he couldn't stop laughing and disrupting everyone else's workouts - sigh! the other three of us stuck it out and did the moves. even the ones that we didn't quite get. what can i say? none of us are dancers! lol 

it was a mini workout. a ten minute part of a 10 minute at a time exercise video. well, about 6 minutes in my husband couldn't take it anymore. he had to sit down. all huffing and puffing. my daughter and i kept going and finished out the workout. then we decided to do another fifteen minutes or so of another type of workout. i tried and tried to get my husband to join in but he said there was no way. he had had enough. he said he was "wore out".

so here i am.... thinking to myself, "omg! is this really happening? my military husband is worn out and here i am still going strong? are you kidding me???" well, it wasn't a joke. it was real. i was making it!!!! it made me feel great!

we talked about it later (my husband and i) and i told him i totally expected that i would be the one left behind by him not vice versa. he said he thought that, too, but it didn't turn out that way. i am still shocked.

it's two days later and i can still feeel the effects of that workout. we're going to do another one tonight i think.

last night i went online and ordered zumba transformation set on ebay. it comes with six different workouts and the sticks. my daughter is excited about this cuz she has begged and begged to do zumba with me (which i still haven't gone to a class yet) and i have to keep telling her that if i go she can't go cuz kids can't go. so now she's excited i'll be doing it at home so she can do it, too.

i'm so glad that she's active and likes working out. hopefully she won't end up down the obese path that i did. 

i'm so ready to lose these last 30 something pounds to reach my goal. now if only my mind would think about that when i'm eating those reeses cups i'm addicted to right now. sigh!!!

so here are some progress pics....

this was last christmas 2009

and this is this christmas 2010:

so there's the evidence of 56 pounds gone! it makes me feel good to see these pics!

well...

so here it is... thursday morning.... i'm sitting here in my living room. it's messy. messy as heck. see, i have this housecleaning schedule that i like to try and stick by. we were out of town over the holidays and i was on track monday and tuesday. but i slipped up on wednesday and well, with four of us living here all it took was that one day for things to get out of hand. sigh! life with a husband and kids, i guess. lol

so yesterday my husband came home from work at lunch and we walked the neighborhood together. it was nice. the walking of course cuz it was exercise and also the time with my husband. surprisingly we didn't fight or argue or anything. it was nice. oddly enough he got more winded than i did. you'd think that wouldn't happen seeing as how he's the military member and all and they are supposed to stay fit and all this. but well, he's been out on sick leave for two months and monday was his first day back at work. he hasn't done a lick of PT while off and so i guess he's out of shape or whatever. i felt bad for him huffing along while i was making it better than he was, but at the same time it was like a nsv for me. i mean, i was always the bigger one, the heavier one, and the more out of shape one. i'm not saying that i think i'm in better shape than he is now... but i'm not the bigger one anymore. i'm not the heavier one anymore. and yesterday i was the one who handled the power walk the best and that was like a victory for me. proof that i'm getting somewhere!

i renewed my netflix account yesterday and added a ton of workout videos to my queue. workout videos aren't really my workout method of choice but at the same time i do enjoy them and they will suffice for now. i also connected our wii to the internet so i can instantly watch some of them right here on my big screen. don't even have to wait for them to arrive. that was a nice feature. my kids will also enjoy that they can watch whatever instantly too now that it's all hooked up.

i haven't heard or seen hide nor hair of the friend who is supposed to be my workout buddy come the new year. it's like the new year came and went and well, so did she. lol i don't wanna be that person that harrasses someone into working out with them when they really don't want to but at the same time, I WANT A WORKOUT BUDDY DAMMIT! why is it so hard to find one and keep one? my husband is totally willing to do the job which i guess is fine but i wanted a friend. a girl! someone i can chat with while we work out. girl talk and stuff. but i guess i better take what i can get and if that's my husband, then so be it. lol we are talking about meeting up at the gym some days, too. so that's cool i guess.

i guess i don't have anything else to report on. i need to get my butt off this couch. do a workout. clean my house. stuff like that!!!

it's here

it's here. the new year. actually it's come and gone. i mean, it is the 3rd. speaking of which...today is the birthday of a very very dear friend of mine. the friend that inspired me to get the lapband. she got hers in sept of 2009 (i think that was it) and when she did it i was soooo negative. i told her it was stupid, the "easy way out", and that i'd never do such a thing to myself. after the surgery i was supportive though. and i watched her lose. and i found myself jealous. very jealous. then i started thinking.... then i started researching. then i started talking to her about my feelings about it. and then i made the decision. she was sooo supportive and did remind me here and there about my previous feelings about the band. but today i'm 56 pounds lighter and i can say it's the best thing i ever did. and i never would have done it had it not been for her. my friend. my sister by friendship. she recently moved to alaska (we're military wives) and i do miss her so! sniff sniff.

ok..... lemme get a grip here.... lol

so it IS the new year and i just went and read up and commented on some of ya'll's blogs. i'm gonna try to be better blogger this year. =)

so the scale says i've gained three pounds over the holidays. but i'm gonna get back to where i was and i'm gonna get even lower than that. i'm determined. i'm ready and i'm gonna do it! my band is here to help me and i love it!