ramblin

this morning i woke up to a new number. that was awesome. i'm now 214. that's awesome. not sure if that was because i got a fill or because i was on liquids all day but either way i'm pleased with it.

i can't figure out how to make my font not look like this. so bear with me. sigh!

here are some thoughts i've been having....

lots of us banders never exercised before the band. we didn't feel motivated or didn't want to or whatever. everyone has their own reasons. now we got the band. now we suddenly want to exercise and feel motivated. is that because we had the band put it in? i mean, did it bring with it some kinda "make ya wanna exercise" hormones or something? i just don't quite get how a person goes from never exercising to exercising on a regular basis simply becuase they got the band. couldn't they have chosen to do the exercise even without the band? of course they/we could've. so why didn't we???

eating. why is it that even when i'm not feeling hungry, i have a hard time not eating stuff? i mean, i think i only feel hungry three times a day. morning lunch and night. althought today i did get hungry around 4pm (between lunch and dinner) but that's not normal. so why is it that i find myself snacking? is it habit? how do i break it? i find myself bored and wanna eat. watching tv and wanna eat. what's up with that???

also, i ate twice as much as i shoulda tonight. i was full after one serving but i got another. why? becuase it tasted good. why did i do that? 

skinny chicks. i have this friend who is super skinny. somehow she thinks she needs to lose weight. obviously she is deluded... but anyway.... actually i have two skinny ass friends who feel that way. what is wrong with them??? and why would they say that kinda stuff to someone who is obviously not even near skinny? that's just jacked up. 

onederland. i wanna be there so bad. it'll be here soon. i can feel it. 15 pounds to go!!! i was thinking earlier that when i hit it i won't get to celebrate like i really want to. i can tell my friend who is a fellow bandster, a friend who isn't one, and my sister. and ya'll. that's all i can do. i can't go celebrate cuz my husband is living in this fantasyland where i weigh less than he does (he weighs like 189) and i have no desire to bring him back to reality about it. i mean, if he wants to think like that. so be it? who am i to dash his ideas that i'm smaller than him? at first i thought surely he can't really believe that but i've come to realize he really does. it kinda bothers me to a point cuz i'm like "is he blind or what?" but at the same time i'm just like "ok.... you think that then." lol


target. today i realized that target kinda sucks. i went in there and tried on some shirts. they were size xxl. they didn't fit. too tight. yet i was wearing a similar shirt from old navy and it was only an xl and was not only fitting but kinda loose. what's up with that? i think target's stuff must be sized small. at the same time i love me some gillian o'malley and their workout wear. and they have cute stuff for kids, too.


ok...i guess i'm done.

how it went

ya'll were right! it didn't hurt! it was fine!!! here's a rundown of how things went:

i arrived at the office early (that is a shocker cuz i am terminally late all the time) and i ended up chatting with a lady who was coming for her first consultation. she is thinking she wants the gastric bypass but isn't sure. then out walks a lady i was in pre op classes with. she remembered me and i remembered her and we started talking. she had just had her first fill and said it was easy as pie. she has lost like 30 pounds. then another lady came out and it was another lady i was in different pre op classes with. we both remembered each other as well and were talking about progress etc. she didn't have to get a fill as she's still losing and feeling full and etc. she's lost 35 pounds. it didn't even occur to me to get bothered that i've only lost 25 compared to their 30 and 35 and i'm ok with that. it was really nice seeing the folks that started with me. that was cool.

i got called back and the nurse took my stats. she said i've lost 2 pounds since my last appt. i figured it was only a pound or two and i was right. i told her that despite that my clothes were still fitting better and she said that's normal since working out is building muscle and etc. etc. so that was nice to hear. i voiced my worries about the fill hurting and she put two different types of topical numbing on my port site and then i waited for jenny (the nurse practioner) to come in.

jenny came in and there i was laying on the table with shirt up and tummy exposed. she was like "hmmmm...someone's ready for a fill." i laughed. we talked about my progress and she told me to up my water intake. i told her i'm trying!!! then i told her about how freaked i was about the fill. she said it would be fine.

she had me do a crunch on the table with a pillow in the small of my back. she found the port site quick. i barely felt a tiny stick. didn't even feel like a finger stick. next thing you know she's done and i've got 1 more cc in my band. the surgeon put in three at the time of the surgery so now i have a total of 4cc's in my band. woohoo.

she had me drink some water and i felt an immediate difference. it was weird. i made a follow up appointment for a month from now and then i was on my way.

i had to be only on liquids today so i had some soup for dinner. it was kinda thick but still liquidy. i had maybe 1/2 a cup and i was full. that was pretty cool. i had a little milk and i felt like i was gonna pop. restriction already! tomorrow i get to have mushies and friday i'm back to normal foods again.

since ya'll asked for some pics... here they are. in these i am wearing a pair of size 17 juniors l.e.i. jeans and a size xl old navy top. i haven't been able to wear the jeans since shortly after i got them (the end of last summer) and they were by no means comfy when i got in them then. now they are comfy. yay!!!

so anyway... all in all i think today went well. good fill. nsv's. oh...speaking of nsv's!!! i almost forgot to mention i had another today. after i tried on the first pair of jeans (the ones i'm wearing here in the pics) i decided to try on another i couldn't fit in anymore. again, they fit! they were old navy and were still a bit tight but not so tight they looked bad or anything. just not overly comfy again yet. but anyway....i'm so going in the right direction.


didn't work out today. so that's like two days in a row now. i feel bad about that. sniff sniff.

NSV report!

about to go get ready for my appt. but i had to share this news first....

while trying to decide what to wear, i tried on a pair of jeans that are usually too tight... AND THEY FIT. COMFORTABLY! that was exciting as they are juniors jeans and super cute. i also perfectly fit in a size xl (instead of xxl) old navy top after it's been washed (usually i fit in the xl BEFORE it's washed but it never fits the same AFTER it's washed). well, it all fit and well and comfy and cute. 

even though the scale isn't moving, there is definitely SOMETHING going on!!!

first fill!!!!!

so i just got off the phone with my doctor's office. I AM HAVING MY FIRST FILL TODAY!!!! and i'm totally nervous and freaked out about it!!!! i'm on all liquids today, then mushies tomorrow, then solids day after tomorrow. super super nervous!!! i hope it doesn't hurt. eek!!!!!

oh today.....

the cupcakes are gone. thank goodness. they are outta the house! my daughter and her classmates thoroughly enjoyed them. no more cake batter for me!!! 

today was a really rough day for me. really rough. the mri was not as expected. i wasn't really sure what to expect and i was pretty nervous. but a friend of mine told me about her mri experience. she said they gave her these cool goggles to wear and they had tv in them and she got to watch hdtv while she had her thing done and that she couldn't even really tell anything was going on and it didn't take long at all. and she was in the regular mri, not the open one like i was gonna be in. so i thought ok cool. i can do this.


well..... they called me back and i saw the thing my stomach dropped. the machine itself didn't look too bad. but there was this table thing (that i was supposed to lay on) and it had this cage thing at the top of it (for a head i assumed) and that was freaking me out. i saw no fun goggles or anything. so i ask the lady how it works exactly. she gives me a rundown. i lay on the table. they put the cage over my head (freak out!). the machine rolls me in it (it was big and airy so that was a plus). i asked how long it takes.... she said.... one hour and forty five minutes! i was like wtf??? so then i'm like asking about tv watching and etc. she was like, we don't have that. and then went on to tell me that the machine is so loud that i wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. another wtf!!! 

this is what the machine and table looked like. notice the head cage thing. eek!

she prolly thought i was nuts cuz i kept asking the same question again and again. i was like "i gotta lay there and do nothing for an hour and forty fivce minutes???" that was insane to me. they said i could have a guest in there with me so i called my husband thinking talking might make the time go by faster.

i laid on the thing and she gave me a cloth to put over my eyes so i didn't have to see the cage around my head. yeah... i sooo did not want to see that. to me i was thinking what's the point of it being an "open" mri, if my head is gonna be all closed up anyway? makes no sense. but whatever. 

here's a closeup of the freaking head cage.

so the machine pulls me in and she tells me to be super still. ok...that was fine. then it started making all these noises that sounded like a machine gun or something and it felt to me like the table was moving. that started making me feel nauseated. i had to push the call button cuz i thought i was gonna puke and i needed to take some of my zofran that my lapband doc had given me if i ever needed it. thank god i carry some in my purse at all times!

then it was back on the table and back in the machine. more machine gun noises. my husband arrived. we talked for a bit. then i got in this wierd state of not asleep but not awake either and all these wierd thoughts were in my head. it was wierd. maybe i fell asleep. i dunno. it didn't seem like i was sleeping but maybe i was.


then the lady came in and said the machine was messed up and they had to stop. i asked how long i was in there. she said about an hour. so i have to go back on thursday and have it done again! again! she said it'll take about 30 minutes and they'll have to inject me with some dye for contrast. i'm like damn this sucks.


i felt dizzy after i came out and i've had an on and off headache. i think the headache is from the noise. it was loud as heck.


i feel cheated cuz i didn't get the cool tv goggles. i dread going back again. but at least i know to take my zofran first and wear something comfy.


on another note.....


i have an appt with my lapband doctor tomorrow. my six week checkup. i was supposed to call them today and see if i'll be getting a fill since they make you do liquids only the day of a fill but i forgot to call with all the mri crap going on. my appt isn't until 2:45 in the afternoon though so i can call and ask in the morning. although i don't wanna see or feel the big needle, i think i need a fill. in fact, i'm pretty sure of it. i can pretty much eat portions that i did pre band and it's hard to make myself not eat like i used to.

ok... i just looked at my remedymd thing (the site linked with my dr's office) and it says i'm meeting with jenny (the nurse practitioner/the one who does the fills) and it says "evaluate and treat". whereas my last appt said simply "weigh in".  so i'm thinking a fill is in tomorrow's future. i'm still gonna call to be sure. i'm nervous about the first fill!!! 


didn't work out today with everything going on. gonna start tomorrow off with workout dvd or maybe a walk with the dog. we will see!!!


oh...and i forgot to mention....the mri lady asked me about my band. she wanted to know when i got it and how much i've lost since i got it. i told her and she was wowed by my 18 lb loss. that kinda made me feel good. =)

mmmm...cupcakes....

tonight i made a bunch of super pink i carly cupcakes for my daughter's class snack tomorrow. since her birthday is in the middle of summer when school is not in, they let her celebrate it with her "birthday snack" before school lets out. she wanted hannah montana cupcakes but unfornately the party place didn't have anything for hannah montana cupcakes. so she got i carly instead and she loves them.

 
now here's the bad part.... in the process of making all these cakes (there were like two dozen or more of them) i probably inhaled about a 1/2 to a full cup of cake batter. yeah. bad me. i know!!!! i couldn't help myself. sigh!


on the upside, i did two workouts today. this morning i did the walk and kick dvd with leslie and tonight i did fifteen minutes with my wii trainer, maya.


tomorrow i go for my mri to see about my head issue. i am hoping nothing shows up. i dunno what i'll do if something does. freak out i guess. i'm kinda freaking out about the the mri anyway cuz i've never had one before and i'm not sure how i feel about it. but i guess i'll survive. i always do. 

insomnia???

it's almost two in the morning. i can't sleep. gee... ya never would've guessed that, huh? lol i tried going to sleep after watching yet another lifetime movie. but sleeping didn't work. 

so then i weighed myself. i don't know why. i didn't really expect to see a new number. i just didn't know what to do with myself and it seemed like an alright idea. well then when i saw the non new number (that i totally expected to be there) i started wondering if maybe my band isn't gonna work with me like others work with them. i started having a mini freak out thinking what if i'm one of the people that doesn't really lose and is destined to remain big forever??? 

so with all those racing thoughts i felt a google search was in order. so i searched it "not losing weight with lap band". weren't as many helpful results as i thought there would be, but they were ok. read a few and then decided to go check on my fave youtube labbander, skymoon. a brief history about this person.... she was/is a big inspiration for me getting my band. it might sound kinda wacky but it's true. seeing her progress from pre op to now has been just amazing and watching her vids really helped me decide to get my band. but anyway...

she's doing good. she just got done have a tummy tuck revision surgery after getting messed up having out of the country surgery in colombia. she's doing really good though and i'm so happy for her with that. but she is a bander who got to her goal weight in only 7 months. talk about awesome! she went from 275 lbs to 160 lbs!!! she has all her stats on her page, so after listening/watching her two newest update vids, i re-read all her stats. she has a week by week listing of how much she lost each week and etc. so i decided to compare hers to mine. 

i was pleasantly surprised to find out that i'm only 5 pounds heavier here in my sixth week than she was in hers. that really made me feel better. it gave me hope i guess. i mean, it's like if i'm trailing only a little behind where she was, then i'm doing ok. i'll get there. even if it doesn't seem like it's going fast enough for me right now, it's still going and i will get there.

i furthered my search for comfort in my loss compared to others by checking out my fellow march bandsters ticker progress on lapbandtalk. the ones i saw were about where i am. there were some who were further behind (not as much loss as me) and some who were further ahead (more loss than me). but just seeing that there were others who were about at the same spot, also made me feel better. and again reinforeced the whole "i will get there" and "i'm doing ok" thing.

now i'm sure you are all thinking i'm nuts cuz these are the same things ya'll said in your comments on some of my blog postings... but here's something you gotta know about me: i'm a weirdo!!! sometimes i gotta hear something a zillion times before i believe it or i gotta figure it out in some wierdo around the long way kinda way when someone has already told me, but i don't believe it til i "figure it out" on my own. i'm wierd. this is something my friend tracy and i always go through. i say "omg. this is what i figured out" and she's like "yeah... that's what i been tellin ya." lol it's a neverending cycle with me. sigh!!!

but anyway.... i'm feeling better about my loss and feeling more positive about getting where i wanna be and that it can be real. although me being 150 lbs or even down in onederland still seems like a big fantasy i know that i can be real. it will be real!

i had some other stuff to say but i somehow forgot it. figures! 

and damn... i'm still not feeling that tired. what is up with me???


oh yeah... during all this thinking i was also having memories of the day i got my band. getting to the hopsital all early and having to wait a million years (it seemed like) before they came and took me. i had a freakout in the middle of th million years where i started bawling and being scared and thinking maybe i should just screw it and not get it done cuz what if i died. i was sooo freaked out. my husband was great and supportive that day. he is most days. i'm so lucky to have him. he's not perfect but he's great. and i'm rambling... but anyway.... i calmed down and napped a bit and then they were getting ready to get me. i remember they gave me the loopy meds but i didn't think i felt very loopy. just kinda chilled.and i remember going into the er and them telling me they were gonna put me to sleep now and i was confused cuz the surgeon wasn't even there yet. but they said that's how it worked and she said "i'm giving you the meds now" and i was thinking "hmmm... they aren't working". there was none of that "count down from 100" crap or anything like that. lol next thing i knew i was waking up in recovery and feeling pukey and asking for my husband and it was over and done with. i vaguely remember being moved to my hospital room and briefly seeing some male nurse and my husband. i was half blind cuz i didn't have my contacts in...


that all seems like so long ago now and it's only been six weeks. six little ole weeks. 


i remember thinking i'd never feel normal again but i feel totally normal now. sometimes i dont' even think about the fact that i have my band.


i had originally named my band "the frog" cuz my stomach made such funny sounds after i got it but now it doesn't so much. maybe i should rename it. i dunno. i'm rambling again. maybe i should try to get some sleep again. maybe...