what? me again???

so i totally know i'm a "ghost poster". please don't kick my a$$ for it! and there's no way i'm gonna catch up on everything that is going on in all the lives of all the blogs that i used to read so regularly. so i'm just gonna be honest and admit i only read about the first few that came up in my updates. sorry ya'll. 


i will say that stephanie looks great!!!! loving that new look. and that grace's posts about plastic surgery have me thinking on some for myself. 


you see... i realize that i still have forty some odd pounds to go before i get to my goal (which isn't even where my doc wants me to be btw) but i have these thoughts, ya see? here they are....


i have this huge... well... roll... i guess you'd call it? it's right there on my stomach. it IS my stomach. it's just this bulging roll thing. it's not really attractive. i had it even when i was a size 8! i know that sounds insane but i really did. i can distinctly remember wearing size 8 old navy jeans and still having this big roll that none of my other same sized friends had. it's like my stomach is fine til you get to my belly button and them BOOM! big wave of fat roll coming at you! what's up with that????

i can even remember being like ten years old and wearing the stirrup pants that were all the rage then and i wasn't even a fat kid or anything but there it was. the roll poking outta the front of my turquoise stirrup pants. a roll that none of my friends had even then. i didn't get it then. don't get it now.


so i was thinking that if they could just cut that mutha off then i'd prolly lose like ten plus pounds right there. lol not to mention that then i'd have at least a semi decent stomach minus horrific roll wave. right? i mean, that part of my body is the part that i hate the most and if given the chance to change one thing about myself that would be it!


so my question is this... do you have to wait til you've lost it all to get some fat cut off or can you do it anytime in the process here? is that even a good question or a totallly stupid one?


i've had so much crap going on ya'll... and still do.... that i can't imagine being "out of commission" anytime soon or for any length of time. but jsut the idea of not having that damned roll anymore is so nice. why can't i have been blessed with a simple rounded belly like others??? lol


and if i haven't put enough question marks in here already... here are a few more for ya....


how do ya'll stay movtivated? i've lost my motivation ya'll. what do i do? how do i get back there? you know...that place wehre you actually want to work out and actually do it? that place where remembering your band and your weight loss and how far you've come actually keep you from getting the ice cream bar outta the fridge. 


it's like i'm not even hungry but i'm eating anyway. working AGAINST my band!!!! why am i doing this????

boing!

that's the sound of me trying to bounce back from all the crazy curveballs that life has been throwing at me lately.

i know i'm just sporadic but...

here i am... again. lol

here's what's been going on.... 

i've gained like 9 or 10 pounds depending on the day and haven't had a fill since january when i had to go back two days later and get the unfill. since then i've had too much drainage and mucus (yuck!) and ended up having to get some shots and etc from the family doc. finally getting better but now everyone else in the house is sick and i'm worried i'll get it again, too.

i've been really enjoying being able to eat. so much so that i gained that 9 or 10 pounds back. sigh!!!!

so i called the other day and am scheduled for a fill tomorrow. yes TOMORROW!!! i'm excited and ready for it on one hand but on the other i really really like being able to eat. but i know this is what i need to do to get back on track and dammit i'm doing it.

stephanie is a real inspriation cuz she was banded only a little less than a month before i was and she's lost 100 pounds! wow. i'm just like wtf? i've lost about 40 something. she's been working more than i have and i realize that. i know i get out of it what i put into it so to speak and i haven't been putting in the best. 

so hopefully this fill - although frustrating cuz i won't be able to eat eat eat - will be exactly what i need. =)

hmmmm.....

so someone commented that i'm in "bandster hell". yeah... hell is about right. at least that's how it feels.

about a week ago today i was getting a fill and down to 182. now that i've been unfilled the scale has told me various things. the other days it said i was up to 186. yikes! now it's been steadily saying i'm 184 which was what i was before i went on liquids to get the fill that is now gone. sigh!!! 

it's so frustrating. i thought i was finally on the way to the 170's. i wanna be in the 170's!!!! but nope. here i am stuck in the 180's and i can't seem to get outta here.

now, i did pig out last night (losing that fill really left me the room, ya know?) but other than that, i've been doing ok for the most part.ok... bad choices here and there. or everywhere but not as bad as i've been in the past. that's gotta count for something, right?

i haven't worked out in days. a week to be exact. but i blame that on life. life because it's been throwing me a helluva curveball here lately. i won't go into details right now cuz it's really upsetting, but it's about my son and something a mother never wants for her child. sigh. it's hard to feel focused and to want to work out and do things for yourself when you're worried about your kid. and the whole situation puts a huge strain on my marriage (as if it wasn't already strained enough) and my husband was my workout partner but lately i just haven't felt like sharing anything with him. sigh. life... oh why can't you send us something positive and happy for once?

anyway... i ordered the zumba set thing with the dvd's and the sticks. it came in on friday i think it was and i've yet to put it in the dvd player. i did shake the sticks, though. lol i keep saying "tonight is the night for zumba" and then it turns out NOT to be. i feel like i might as well have put $70 in an envelope and just chucked it in the trash for all the use i'm getting out of my new zumba. i do WANT to use it though. i'm just having a hard time.

sorry to be such a debbie downer. i'm really happy for all ya'll who are doing great. really. =) and i'm not just saying that. lol

emptied out....

ok...so last i posted it was three days ago. i was dealing with a tight fill but able to get some mushies down. it's now three days later, i've been unfilled, and the scale says i've gained a pound? wtf??? here's the story:

thursday morning was ok. i was able to get liquids down although they kept wanting to come back up. i had something to drink about 2:45 that afternoon and then about 5:45 that evening, i started spitting up white foam. yes. foam. it literally looked like something that you would spray out of a can onto your bathroom wall to clean it. you know, that stuff that foams after you spray it? yeah...that was coming out of my body. i was like what the heck is going on??? i wasn't drinking anything so i didn't know where the foam was coming from. but it kept coming. every few minutes more foam.

finally i decided to call the answering service for my doc. i told them the deal and he called me back fast. i told him the deal and he said it sounded like i needed the fill taken out. i was like awww...no!!! he told me it also sounded like i had mucus plugging things up in there and to continue to take my zyrtec and mucinex and call his office in the am for the unfill appt.

so i took the liquid mucinex which was grosser than gross and guess what? it came back up. and when it came back it didn't look like it did going in. now it had been transformed into guess what??? PINK FOAM!!! so there i was in the parking lot of walmart hanging out of my car door puking up pink foam. lovely!

i went home and drank eensy weensy sips of hot tea and finally the foam subsided. thank god!

the next morning i was able to get water down ok but they still had me come in for the unfill. the nurse told me she's heard about the foam often and that other folks have talked about what they call "coffee grounds". i'm like oh gee... i don't wanna be puking up those!

they took out the 1/2 cc they had put in and said my band pushed it out due to pressure so another .1 of a cc came out, too. so now i'm at 5.4 cc's. back where i was before. i feel like it's a setback but they said that's why it's called an "adjustable band". shrug. still feels like a setback to me.

now...having my band too tight sucked. and the foam was ghastly. however, i lost three pounds in those 3 days and that was awesome. unfortunately, when i got on the scale this morning, it said i had gained a pound of it back. sigh!!!! but i told myself maybe that was like water weight or something since i do think i was kinda getting dehydrated a little since i was hardly peeing anything before the unfill. it makes me feel better to think of it that way.

now i can eat though and that's both bad and good. bad cuz i find myself wnating to do it more and more. good cuz i need to be able to get some sustenance. lol

i was on a good workout schedule and that's been down the sh*tter for the past few days since we've had a lot going on. but i'm getting back on that damned thing and hopefully when i go back to my doc in three weeks i can get my 1/2cc back! they said i need to get my mucus issues under control for that to be possible so i've been downing that nasty mucinex like crazy as well as taking my zyrtec. here's hoping for the best!

can someone mail me a quiche???

i'm serious. i want one of those quiches grace blogged about. lol

so...updates on today and my tight fill....

this morning i had some hot tea (suggested by my doc) and some guafinesin (spelled that wrong i know) to help with the mucus. midday i had a chocolate shake (great choice, right?) and that went ok. then this afternoon i had about four to five bites of scrambled eggs. that was all i could do. it was probably about 4oz though since the bites were bigger than they should have been. i chewed really well though. i was glad i was able to get the eggs down but at the same time i wanted to eat more. also at the same time, i was doing some major pbing on the way to pick up my kids.

i had some milk this evening and that went ok. and some real smushed up beans with a little cheese. that went ok, too. i can't eat much though. about four bites and i'm done. the feeling is similar to what it was right after i started eating mushies after the surgery. so i guess it's ok. 

i can't gulp water which sucks and i'm spazzed out i'm not drinking enough. well, i know i'm not. i'm just spazzing about it. lol

i'm eager to see if the scale has a new number for me in the morning. i can only hope! it's like christmas eve again!!!! 

guess i'm gonna go to bed now. early i know. 

oh yeah.... don't forget to  mail me a quiche!!! =P

a little updater

thanks for comments on my last  and confused post. last night i was able to finish that glass of milk i mentioned and i was also able to get down some ice cream. yes, i know, what a great food choice, right? well, i was liquids only and needed to have something with form to it. it went down better than i expected although there was some wierd feelings afterwards and a couple times i thought i was going to pb on it. 

this morning i took a sip of water and it went ok but i could feel instant tightness. i'm not even going to attempt to eat breakfast. no way jose! and my doc told me that yesterday, too. she was like if it's that tight when you wake up then just wait a couple hours before you try to eat anything. she also told me to drink something warm and to start taking mucinex in addition to zyrtec to try and dry up any mucus collections i might be getting in my pouch during the night. mucus collections! can you say gross???

good news though. i stepped on the scale this morning and i am 184. yesterday in the doc's office they said i was 186. my scale is three pounds heavier than the doc's office and i alway account for that but that 184 is after the accounting. so according to the scales i lost 2 pounds overnight. woohoo!!!! finally back to that 184 i saw for a bit as it ran away and disappeared for a while. hopefully it won't disappear again except maybe for me hitting 183 and - gasp! dare i say it???? - the 170's!!!!!

 i clearly remember a day back when i was in the 170's. it was about 7 years ago and i was wearing a size 14. i think i weighed like 174 or 175. a 14 i tell you! and i remember having this conversation with a friend of mine talking about how "fat" i was. that makes me want to gag now. wow. if only i knew then what i know now. oh how i welcome those 170's with open arms now! =P