thinking back...

when i was a teenager (like between the ages of 14 and 16) i used to read seventeen magazine all the time. and i mean ALL THE TIME. that was my magazine. my bible. if it was in seventeen there was no debunking it. it was good and true and right. lol well, as most of magazine readers are aware, when you get to the back of the mag there are all those ads. you know, pages and pages of small black and white squares advertising everything you could possibly want and need. things to make your life perfect and better. witty personalized t-shirts you wanna have made so you'll be the most unique and coolest at school and special zit creams that'll save your face from being a crater zone.

yeah well... there was also this one girl back there at the back of my seventeen. she was there. every single month. she was in black and white of course but so pretty. she had shoulder length hair which i always imagined would be blonde and a really pretty smile. she was bright eyed and happy looking. she was wearing a cute two piece swimsuit. sorta like a tankini but not. anyone else who saw her would probably think there was nothing special about her at all. she was just your average girl. pretty, but definitely no model. that was what i found so appealing about her - just your average girl. something i wasn't. something i wanted to be. she stood there everytime - every month - smiling all nice and looking all average with her advertisement being that for a weight loss program. it promised to make you lose weight and look good. i always found it odd that they didn't use someone skinner or prettier for the ad. someone more eyecatching than this average girl. there were certainly tons of more attractive and thinner chicks on all the other pages of the mag. but no, they used her. maybe that was part of gimmick. use average sized girls to attract the attention of those wanting to be just that. well, whatever the idea, this chick - this magazine girl - she had my attention.

sometimes i would just leave the mag open to her page and just stare at her and think of what it would be like to be like her. to be average. sometimes i would try desperately to save my babysitting money so that i could purchase her program and see if i, too, could be like her.

i never saved enough and eventually seventeen wasn't interesting to me anymore. i moved onto other things like cosmo and redbook. the magazine girl was gone from the pages i would see every month. and for a long time i never thought about her at all.

well.... i recently started the process and taking steps to begin a personal journey. that of getting the lapband. it was a big decision to make, but i've made it and i'm so ready to move along with it. i've been overloading myself with lapband information and research. been watching youtube vids of those who have had it or are going to have it. been reading blogs from bandsters, too. been trying to decide how i want to document my journey. where i want to go with this new tool i'm being blessed with. everytime i start thinking hard about all those things.... one person keeps popping up in my mind....

that magazine girl.

today i got approved for the surgery and i've come to the realization that i just wanna be average. normal. not big or small. but average. healthy and average. and i wanna smile all bright eyed knowing i've gotten there.